To The Little Girl Inside

 To The Little Girl Inside

 

Hey you I see you I am sorry I have neglected you for long. I have been avoiding all the pain and trauma you’ve being through. I’ve yet to look you in the face and tell you how sorry I am you never felt safe and how sorry I am no one ever protected you. I am sorry that even I have inflicted more pain on you by some of the horrible decisions I have made over the years. I hear you screaming asking me to release you to let you out. But I have kept a locked on your prison walls too afraid to allow myself to even experienced all the things your eyes have seen and all the hurt that you walked through. Not for once did you deserve to go through all of what you went through. All this darkness that surrounds you day and night. I heard you asking to see the light but I’ve refused you. But your screams have gotten louder and your cries I cannot tune out any longer. The anxiety and depression the overwhelming sadness that resides in me also resides in you. I know you want to heal but first I have to unlock the doors and hold your hands and like watching a horror movie and like riding that cart into the dark scary room we must journey together. I know you are ready but honestly, I am still afraid so terrified of what I might see that I allow myself to forget. So yes, I am delaying you and that the first honesty I’ve allowed myself to acknowledged. I know that you won’t allow me to much longer I can feel it. This sorrow is lingering I can’t shake it; I can’t run away from it and lately I’ve being feeling as if I no longer belong in this place in this world. I cannot find my place and it’s such a struggle. Smiles that don’t last but stays long enough for those who love me to see. It’s a mask and I wear it well I wear it so well I forgot I had put it on. I had two dreams on separate nights one showing me how I got a job I really wanted and I stopped to show everyone the way to get there as they were going for the job too and when I got there, we had to take a test and I miss the lecture and couldn’t finish the test on time. Then the other night I had a dream about my mom cooking and I had to share the food and when I was done sharing none was left for me. I had to realize that my dreams were showing me that its time for me to pay attention to me. Turning the focus on me is the hardest thing I have to do. But I know it is necessary I know it must be done for me to move forward. My problem is how do I even begin to unravel when every layer brings such great suffering. I do not want to see life the way you did but I need to allow you the space to heal in return heal myself. Please forgive me for turning my back on you like everyone else did, it is not that I haven’t thought about you and it’s not that I am not aware you needed me I have being trying to find our place in this world I’ve being working so hard to give us the peace of mind we both needs. But I am now realizing that I need you as much as you need me. You are my path back to the purpose God has for me, the fear that resides in me is holding me back and stepping out into my calling. Often time I even wonder what my calling is? For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future Jeremiah 29vs 11. My first attempt to death did not come from me when I came here to America my mother told me when she was pregnant with me, she jumped out of a tree onto her belly. Sometimes I wonder why did God make me survive it. He is all knowing beginning and the end so he must have known how hard life was going to be for you in return for me. Yet still he saved us. Months upon arriving I was plucked from me mothers’ arms; and placed into the arms of my caregiver. The course was set and my journey to pain and suffering began. To get to the point where you are told no one else wanted you is quite something. To always do your best and falling short. No matter how hard I try to free us I keep getting pulled back into this darkness. The darkness that plagues me even before I was born. Yes, it is a promise to all man to live and to die. But it is said that at an appointed time death will show its face and you will have to dance with him. But is suicide an appointed time, does anyone even know what their appointed time is. Isn’t it sad how you’ve felt like everyone had left you to walk the path alone and even thou occasionally you got help; it was always with a price. You were thought to lie from a tender age. Asking for things you never needed to get money that was never spent on you, while being monitored to ensure you are saying exactly what you are told to say. Always the fear of speaking up and stepping into the light because you were stuffed into the darkness so much. When your cousin couldn’t have his way with you and send you under the bed. Lying there alone and afraid; crying wondering why is this happening. All the sexual assault that you had to face; fighting for the right to not be touched and kissed. I know it’s being hard even though I have buried it and locked you away I still have to endure the ugly face of the ugliness that occurred. Was it hard searching for a belonging only to find more abuse, it was as if there was a sign attached to you and you could not wash it away and you could not remove it. Even though it was invisible to you everyone one else sees and act according; you know that sign that says kick me instead if it was a kick me sign you would have been much happier. No, your sign pulled in abusers, who in return left deep wounds and scared heart. Ripping so deep even your soul felt it. No mother, no father, no sister and no brother yet still your family is made up of a mother, a father, three sisters and three brothers and you are slapped right in the middle of them all. Did you deserve this and are you wanted? No, you did not deserve any of the pain inflicted on you and yes you are wanted I want you. I wish I could have split myself in two and hugged you and told you it will all be ok. I wish I could have whisked you way and raised you, cuddle you all night and tell you often how much I love you. Not those ugly words calling you names and making you feel anything less than who you are. I remember the first day we met our mother not over the phone and not in a video. She had return for your eldest sister graduation and you ran; to meet her she gave you a hug but it still did not darn on you just yet. You sat and spoke to your father because you knew him, he was familiar; then suddenly it hit you and you ran into the kitchen and asked are you…. And you used the name everyone told you and you used the name of the woman you’ve only spoken to over the phone and she responded yes and you hugged her again just a little tighter this time. Here you thought your struggles was over because you are finally in the arms of your mother; but she was not there for long neither did she want to be. Some part of you understood knowing she felt the need to take care of you and your other siblings and she did not feel she could accomplish it there. But the other parts of you needed your mother, needed the love only a mother can give and even thou I understand that pain so well here I am inflicting the same pain on my little boy. The hardest thing I am enduring bringing the darkness into my life like never before. I know everyone try to make me feel better by saying I am doing this for him and he knows that I love him; but truth be told I was told that when I was younger as well and after all that I experienced I am yet to believe it. I do however understand after hearing bits and pieces of my mother’s story. Hear me out I am trying to fight for us believe me I am, not only for my son but to someday give you a life you can be happy with. After all you made a promise that when you grow up you will choose to be happy; I feel like I am disappointing you and I am truly sorry. I wish I knew how to take the pain away; I’ve being crying out to God but he seems so far from answering. I know how you’ve always trusted him; remember those days you use to go sit alone and convince yourself that God would come and sit and talk to you. You have always felt so close to him as if he was all you had on your worst days even your best days. Maybe I’ve sinned too much so he doesn’t visit us like he used to. Don’t worry thou I won’t give up trying he said suffer the little children to come unto him so I will remind him that even though I have grown and I look much older I am still a child seeking after him. Remember that song you made and then you sang it for your mother she was so upset you asked you never to sing it again. In some ways if she had truly listened, she would have heard your cry for help. Why why why why why why why (repeat) its me yeah yeah sometimes I feel so all alone why why it is me I truly feel so unhappy why why is it me. I cannot recall all of the words but when you got to the point that you feel like you want to die, she immediately stopped you from singing. Let us vow to always listen to our little boy and hear everything he says and everything he do not say. Nina Simone sings Blackbird “so why you wanna fly blackbird you ain’t ever gonna fly. No place big enough for holding all the tears you’re gonna cry cause your mama’s name was lonely and your daddy’s name was pain and the call you little sorrow because you’ll never love again…. so why you want to fly blackbird you ain’t ever gonna fly”. Every time I hear that song, I think of you I think of us, even thou ninety-nine point nine nine of the people who have entered into your life has hurt you; we are going to focus on the one percent. I know people look at us funny and think why would anyone want to kill themselves but we bout know sometimes it is hard to explain the sorrow and emptiness we feel. As much as all of these wonderful people are saying I care allow me to help you; we are still yet to trust them because if we learned anything in life is that a price is always paid for help given. Sometimes the price is not worth it so we keep it pushing. Unlike the one attempt you had I have sought help for us; the thought got so thick and heavy and I could not do it alone. I hope for once the price is not heavy and we finally found genuine people who will stand by us. I have always believed time reveals all things and I look forward to what time reveals about us; as to why our journey has been such a struggle. The greater purpose everyone talks about as we continue to journey; I will eventually allow you to surface and see the light. I know how much you hate promises because they are constantly broken but I am making a promise to you that I will give it my best shot, give us my best shot and see where that leads us. I should let you know I did my best in boot camp got the highest award The Military Excellent Award but ever since I came to the fleet I have struggled not on purpose. I had all intensions of doing my best but I got injured and my career has never been the same. Again, trying and working hard but things not working the way it should; I have questioned it so many times and realizing that my career just might be ending. But I will start looking at things in a positive way cause God knows I need to see things positively, or else I will lose my mind. I forgot to mention that I am so much better at communicating I know how your voice was beaten and stolen from you; I know how you struggled to stand up for yourself and how much it affected you. I know you have heard the conversations spoken about you and how you felt guilt not defending yourself. I feel all the pain you felt and all the tears you’ve cried. Everyone would say your secretive but the truth is you feared to speak; as you opened your mouth and your brain screams speak no words would come out. But now I am speaking I am doing it for us, sometimes I overshare because I am still working on boundaries, I will get it right but I will not go back to silence only if it is necessary. Let us go back in time for a little when you visited The Bahamas to get your school records and they had everyone else records but yours. The teachers remembered you but the school history did not one of the most frustrating times ever; yet another road block and another hurdle. That’s it that is the feeling you have always faced those who inflict pain on you erased it from their memories as if it never happened but you are left to carry the burden. The scars are invisible but they are very much real I see you and I understand you. Your journey is long and I know many times you want to stop believe me I want to stop many times myself. I want to throw in the towel lift my hands up and let life give me that final punch; and once I fall, I stay there and let the count to ten begin then the referee can say she’s out. Or sometimes I imagine myself in a long coma and when I wake up, I have no memories of my past life, now I think about it that means I would have forgotten you. You would be locked up with no one to save you no one to think about you and no one to love you. That makes me sad to even think about it, to leave you all alone like that and let’s be honest that does not even mean my life would be easier. I do not want to forget you you’ve being my best friend and you have endured a lot so I can be here today. You are my asset and do not ever feel like you are anything less; I know you did not hear this a lot but before I go, I want to tell you something very important please open your heart to receive it I love you! I love the way you smile so big and bright; I love the way you care for others and took care of everyone around you. I love how you endured and never stop believing in a better life for yourself and those around you. I love how you always believed in God, you always knew he watched over you and even when I want to doubt your memories of you talking to him always surfaced. In some way I believe that you are reminding me to never lose hope; I am trying to give up but you aren’t allowing me to do that even though I have locked you away you still find a way to reach me. You are the strongest person I know forgive me for not seeing that sooner; this path will not be easy but I will do my best to work on me so that I can be strong enough to walk this journey with you. Please be patient with me I am struggling but I am working hard and doing my best to stay afloat; so much is happening but I am pulling things together one step at a time. I am going to tap into your belief that things will get better and one day our happiness will manifest and it will be real and the mask will fall off and we won’t be afraid to show everyone who we are. The shield will come down and we will allow love to flow freely; no fear of rejection, no worrying about the future no pain when thinking about the past. Until we are in that place, I will love you until you learn to love yourself. Yours Truly  

 

 

 

 

To The Woman I AM 

 

Living in the present clearing the thoughts of the past and making way for the future the bible states in the beginning the earth was without form, and void and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And God said let there be light and there was light. My mind unlocked and I saw myself coming into this world without form and void and until I opened my eyes it was darkness. With this thought it made me realize that we truly are born with nothing we have a clean sleight but yet still by time we become adults we are filled up with hate, pain, suffering, lack or we are filled up with peace, joy and love. It is all a perception of what we believe life to be based on what we are thought and what we see. The bible also stated that we are created in the image of God and God blessed us and gave us permission to be fruitful and multiply and he also state that we should have dominion over all that moved, everything that was created in the beginning was given to men and women. So, what does it mean to be fruitful and to multiply according to google fruitful means to produce and to multiple means an arrangement of terminals that allows connection with an electrical circuit at any one of several points. I went and look further and sort out the word dominion and it means the right to govern or rule. So, if God created us in his own imagine and told us to be fruitful, to multiple and to have dominion then what is preventing us from doing this? Have you ever truly thought about it; was this command only given to one and not the other? why do some people believe this and living in it completely yet others are not? Is this a choice? The only ruler over man is the I AM but yet still we allowed men to have dominion over us and gave them the power to use us for their fruitfulness; and their multiplication. In doing so we are not living as we were created to live our minds are manipulated and taken over by the enemy within. The one, we created based on what we see, hear and feel. The bible tells us that when Jesus went on the 40 day and 40 nights fasting lucifer appeared and he tempted him by saying turn these stones into bread and Jesus replied and said man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeded out of the mouth of God. So, if we choose to live by the words that come from God himself why are we not operating in the truth which is we are creators of our own life and our own reality. And if God called us blessed and we are living in lack I am led to believe that we are indeed living by bread alone. Bread consumed and digest eventually becomes nothing but the words of God shall never pass away. In the passage Jesus also stated that man shall worship the Lord thy God and him only shalt thou serve. If this is true which it is. Why do we turn to worship the things we gather to the point we will kill another if they even think of touching it; we serve our pastors, our leaders, our family and our children. Truth be told we only lack and we only suffer because we refuse to follow the will of God for our life. Jesus stated narrow is the way, which leadeth to life and few there be that find it many of us have yet to find the path to life because we are entice by the wide road that often times leads to destruction. The path to life simple comes from believing that God himself came and died for us in return brought us back to himself, his consciousness those who refuse to believe that greater is he that is in us than he that is in the world will always suffer lost. This is truth because we constantly seek things out side of ourselves when we are born with the gift to create within us. In Luke the word was given in parables and Jesus said to his disciple the knowledge of the secrets of the kingdom of God has been given to you, but the others I speak in parables; so, they though seeing they may not see and though hearing they may not understand. For lack of knowledge men will perish, the seed is planted in every man but due to lack of belief in what we hear and what we see the devil comes and steal the seed and we believe not that we are created to worship God and live in his fullness thereof. As soon as life put up a little challenge we go back to lack, when the truth is we should have kept moving forward understanding the challenge. I recall one day driving on my way from Brooklyn on a really dark night I was selling life insurance at the time so I went to prospect in order to gain clientele. I was so frustrated because I did not get any numbers which means no clients; and I just talking to God asking why my life had so much suffering, why I had so much challenge and I heard a still voice saying what did you ask me for? I replied what did I ask you for? And he replied yes did you not ask me for wisdom, knowledge and understanding. I was taken back to the scene of when I was younger and I always use to ask God for these three things even as I got older, I would still ask. I immediately stopped complaining and then he said how did you think you would receive it. I came to a realization that when you pray and petition to God, he answers might not be in the way we want it to be; but nonetheless he answers. So, knock and the door shall be opened and seek and you shall find most important ask and it shall be given unto you. Throughout all the things I have experience in my life I am so rounded in most situation to understand why a person would do one thing and not the other and I am able to be empathy with them.